When I first began to explore the concept of entering into a BDSM dynamic, like so many other times in my life, I turned to the internet (and blogs just like this one) to learn, research and explore. I distinctly remember typing “how to be a good submissive” into my google search bar and was frustrated at the vague or sexually based responses I kept stumbling upon. I felt like there was some elusive secret or checklist that if I kept reading I would eventually find and viewed submission as one size fits all. Ive known from the beginning I wanted to bring y’all real and tangible advice to help you feel like you are improving your submission, but without perpetuating the false beliefs I once held of one specific set of rules to be considered “good” within this lifestyle. Your submission is unique to you and that’s what makes it such a beautiful and intimate gift to share with the right Dominant.
While a “good girl” still lights my heart on fire, B works hard to remove the dichotomy of good and bad from my language, and emphasizes with every correction that I was not bad, but I simply did not make the right choice. So in that spirit, the goal of this post is not to tell you how to be a good submissive, but rather to provide a mental check list of things you can do to ensure you are bringing the best version of yourself to your Dominant, dynamic and life.
- Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Your Dominant is not a mind reader. Communicate openly, freely and often. Tell your Dominant your dreams, goals, likes, dislikes, limits and fantasies. If it’s important to you, it’s important to them- I promise. The most beautiful thing about BDSM is it strips down the societal expectations that have been built around communication. You do not have to say your day is “fine” when it wasn’t. You do not have to think up elaborate excuses to get out of something you don’t want to do. You do not have to be coy or bashful when it comes to asking for what you want in or out of the bedroom. Communicate directly at every opportunity and your dynamic will flourish.
- Set Realistic Expectations
Set realistic expectations for both yourself and your Dominant. A Dominant is a real human, with real emotions, and will sometimes have a bad day. Do not expect him to be “on” constantly and realize that somedays your dynamic may be a smidge less exciting than others. Allow him moments of rest and vulnerability.
Be honest with yourself about what you can or cannot bring to a dynamic. While a long list of rules and expectations may sound delicious, if your schedule or life will not allow you to follow through on a daily basis talk with your Dominant about what is realistic. When you take on too much as a submissive, you set yourself up for feelings of disappointment and failure. A smaller list of 3-5 expectations that you can fulfill fully and 100% of the time will feel a lot better than a list of 15 things that you struggle to remember or find yourself rushing through every day. Overcommitting is one way for submission to feel like a chore, rather than an enjoyable and fulfilling experience.
- Bring Value to Your Dominant’s Life
This is my very favorite item on the list and I feel like acts of service and gratitude should be deeply woven into a submissives interactions with their Dominant. Our Dominants spend a lot of time helping to improve and better our lives, and it’s important that we also fill their cup. Compliment and thank your Dominant regularly, make sure they feel seen, needed and appreciated. Make a conscious effort to participate in acts of service that they do not have to ask for. Notice when their cup of coffee is getting low and refill it, help them unbutton their shirt and undress, or hand them their keys and a kiss as they leave. We want their lives to feel easier and better for having us in it and little gestures showing we are working to anticipate their needs are a good way to do this.
- Ask You Dominant What They Need
While I just spoke about anticipating their needs, it’s also more than okay to ask them what they desire from the dynamic and you as a submissive. Ask what things that feed their Dominance or that they want to explore as the dynamic grows and changes. Now, with a specific list in hand, you have a jumping off point to learn, research and explore the things that they want. While submission is a gift and an art, it’s also a skill that requires practice and effort. If your Dominant reveals a kink you are not familiar with, research it on your own and then bring your information and questions to your Dominant to see if it’s something you are comfortable adding to your dynamic. If your Dominant loves beautiful kneels, practice your transitions until you can do them gracefully in your sleep. Always be working to learn and grow your submission in a way that is pleasing and honoring to your Dominant, ensuring their needs are fully met. A well fed Dominant leads to a very satisfied and well taken care of submissive.
- Make Yourself a Priority.
I saved this for last because it is arguably the most important item on the list. Make yourself a priority in your own life. You are now a reflection of your Dominant and need to treat his most prized possession (hint: this is you) with respect, kindness and attention. Eat good foods, drink the water and move your body. Prioritize your mental health and ask for help when you need it. Whatever self care looks like in your own life, make sure this is scheduled into your daily routine and not just an afterthought when you happen to have a free 20 minutes or a really bad day. The happier and healthier you are, the better you will be able to serve and satisfy his needs.
Remember, your submission was made for your Dominant. He chose you. You are enough & you don’t need a list on the internet to confirm it.