For a change of pace, I thought it would be fun to sit down with B to provide some insight to Dominance in a more raw and unfiltered format for you all. Keep in mind that B is my favorite Dominant on the planet, but if His answers differ from yours that’s completely okay. Variety is the spice of life, y’all and Dominants and submissives alike come in all different shapes, sizes and kinks.
E: So for a little bit of background, how long have You been in the lifestyle? What first attracted You to D/s?
B: I’ve been in the lifestyle for a little over 25 years. I am naturally Dominant in My everyday life. I was attracted to the idea of someone desiring to give up control and allow Me to, essentially, run their day to day operations for them. I also really like hurting things. I mean girls. Girls.
E: Ha. Someone’s got jokes today, baby. Will You elaborate a little more on what You mean by hurting
B: I enjoy causing pain, not only for My pleasure but knowing that it brings her pleasure too. It can be extremely cathartic for both parties and can also be extremely bonding.
E: So You identify as Sadistic then, yes? Is this a sexual gratification only?
B: Amongst other things, yes. Sadist is the top 5. It is not for sexual gratification only. Sometimes sexual gratification isn’t had during impact play. Sometimes the submissive needs a lot of extra TLC after so it goes from impact to aftercare. If I am beating a submissive who likes sex afterwards it’ll typically lead there but I’m very cautious about My girls headspace beforehand. I’ve stopped scenes before when I have thought she should have tapped out but didn’t. Her mental stability is #1.
E: Do You enjoy impact play only when Your partner has masochistic tendencies?
B: Yes. I do. I don’t ever want to push impact play on someone who is not 100% into it and consenting. I go hard and My sessions are long. I am not looking to break a submissive.
E: What do You mean by “break a submissive?”
B: Meaning to do something she isn’t 100% consenting to – flogging for instance. I enjoy beating a girl to the point of tears (with consent), but I want it to be good tears, not tears that are followed by a sub drop. I don’t want to scar her, figuratively, for the rest of her kinky life, basically.
E: This may seem a little greek to my readers who haven’t ever explored Sadomasochism, but just so you all know this is something we both very much so enjoy in our dynamic. Pain allows me to get out of my head, relax and is one of the ways I enter subspace. It’s always consenting and B ensures what we are both in the right head space before beginning a session. Baby, what things should a Dominant specifically keep in mind during impact play?
B: 1000% her body language. What she isn’t saying. Watch how she moves under the implement. I use a stoplight system to make sure that she’s okay throughout the scene. I’ll crouch down and watch her face as I ask her “red, yellow or green” – stop, slow down or keep going. I assess how they respond and go from there.
E: Besides Sadist, what would You consider to be Your other titles?
B: Daddy Dom, Handler (something I’m becoming aware of recently), Owner and Master.
E: Do You mind briefly describing each of those roles?
B: Daddy Dom is part of DD/lg – Daddy Dom/little girl. It is a caregiver role as I do not pair Myself with littles sexually. Handler is a “pet” Owner who quite literally is a handler to a puppy (submissive puppy pet). Owner is what I call Myself in a deeper more primal headspace. Master is a title I don’t take lightly and reserve for those who want to embark down the more M/s way of the lifestyle.
E: In our dynamic, B is my Owner, Handler when I am in pet space and we are just starting to explore the Master side of our dynamic. L identifies as little, so the Daddy Dom side is something that only they share. To read more about the different types of Dominants, click here.
E: Circling back to Your Dominance origin story, what was the learning curve like for You when You first entered the lifestyle? How long did You feel that it took for You to “find Your footing” so to speak as a Dominant?
B: Honestly I’d say it took Me a solid decade to feel like I knew what I was doing. I was fairly confident in My abilities but I also wanted to ensure I had mastered (no pun intended) My craft before I went in fully on someone. I had submissives during that time but they were mainly learning curves.
E: Your training process while becoming a Dominant was one of the things that really attracted me to You when we first met. I loved how seriously You took the process of learning and growing Your Dominance. Do You mind summarizing that process for my readers?
B: Of course; I was trained as a Dominant under a Dom/Domme husband and wife. The husband has the final say and she was submissive to him but that’s was it. I was their submissive for 6 weeks and while hard it was one of the best things I ever did. I learned how to control the urges I had to control and I learned what My submissive(s) would be feeling physically and going through mentally which was very important to Me. I to this day will test any thing I use on My submissive(s) out on Myself first so I understand their reactions better.
E: I love that and it’s not something we see as often in the newer Dominants coming up in the lifestyle. What do You think is some of the most important things for a new or experienced Dominant to learn or be aware of who may not have the option to mentor under someone like You did?
B: Hm. That’s a good question. I’d say of sub drops. Make sure you know how to stop a scene when a sub won’t. Or isn’t. Make sure you are there 1000% to ensure she makes it through her sub drop okay.
E: Speaking of sub drop, what is Dom drop? Have You ever experienced it?
B: I have, yes. It’s like a rush of negative emotions. Almost like you’re swimming in a fog. I tend to get easily irritable and affiliated, I get heavy almost, I get very defensive and hard to reach. Sometimes if I’m able to communicate that Im in My head it allows My partner(s) to be aware and not take it personally. And to be able to help Me.
E: This reminds me I’ve been meaning to write a post on drop- its is so important for D and S types alike to understand that its normal and nothing they did wrong. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way out is through.
E: Changing gears a little, what do You specifically look for in a submissive? Do You have any screening questions or dealbreakers?
B: I look for someone who peaks My interest. Someone who is engaging, who can hold a conversation, someone who has a lot of the same interests as I do. Someone who is wanting to learn and grow with Me. Who has similar interests as Me. Deal breakers are typically anything underage, anything incest, anything with animals and anything illegal.
E: On that note, what red flags would You tell a submissive to look out for when entertaining the idea of entering a dynamic with a Dominant?
B: Someone who said she had to submit. Someone who forced them to do things they don’t like or aren’t 100% consenting to. Someone who guilts them did not being their version of kinky (also known as kink shaming), someone who demands 100% out of them all the time. People have bad days and need to have a safe space to come to that does not expect their best foot forward at all times.
E: Thats perfect, thank You. Couldn’t have come up with a better list. Submission is a gift and every submissive deserves a Dominant that views it as such.
E: Is there anything that You don’t enjoy about being a Dom? What do You struggle with?
B: Being responsible for another human being is a lot of responsibility. The thought of failing that human is almost crippling sometimes. I can also struggle with correcting/discipline a submissive(s). I hate doing it even though it needs to be done.
E: Believe me, it’s not fun for us either. Disappointing You is devastating to L and I, but we appreciate the opportunity to learn and grow. What type of things do You generally discipline a submissive for? What do those corrections look like?
B: I have a method; reminders, corrections, discipline, and punishments. I do not physically correct or discipline because My girls enjoy pain. So I use corner time, line writing, kneeling. I typically don’t have to go past corner time, or even letting them know to “be careful” as that usually leads to said corner time. I correct/discipline for forgetting meals, check ins, lack of honorifics (3 warnings), outright disobedience and not following the rules. Typically.
E: You should write a whole post on discipline for us. wink wink, nudge nudge
E: And to end on a positive note, what does Your Dominance and D/s relationships bring to Your life? Favorite parts?
B: A sense of belonging. Of being able to fully take care of the people I truly care for. It allows Me to focus My “darker side” in with those who want it and desire it. It brings Me calm and peace. My favorite part is being loved on by two incredibly caring human beings. And engaging in our dynamics, growing them and living in them.
I know this post was a bit long, y’all, but I hope it added value and perspective and I am so thankful to B for taking the time out of His schedule to sit down and let me give Him the third degree. He is truly one of the most knowledgable and thoughtful Dominants I’ve ever had the privilege of spending time with- even if I am a smidge biased. Ha. If you have any questions for B that you wish I had asked, drop them in the comments and we will be happy to answer them.
E & B